Abandoned

Abandoned, alone, what do I do?  My heart is beating so fast, what do I do?  It has been so long since she left.  I need help but no one is here and I don’t know what to do.  She is crying and won’t stop and I am scared that somethings really wrong.  She has needed a new diaper for so long and I don’t have a new one.  I tried to clean it but it isn’t helping.  She has red streaks going down her legs and her tears just wont stop coming.  God what do I do?  Something calms my heart for just a second, something brings peace.

“Sis you stay here, I will be back soon.  I am gonna go call dad.  He will come and he will know what to do.  Please don’t cry no more.  I love you!  Just play with your baby.  I will be back.”  As I kiss her head goodbye I feel how hot she is.  Fear jumps forward into my throat again and my heart beats faster.  I feel like I might be sick.

I turn and leave before I can change my mind.  It scares me to leave her alone but I have to call dad!  There is that peace again.  I am her big brother and it is my job to take care of her.  Where is mom?  Why isn’t she back yet?  I hate when she leaves us like this!

It is a warm sunny day outside and I am scared as I walk up the alleyway looking for houses that might let me use their phone.  It is a scary neighborhood and we don’t belong here.  Mom left us at a friends house but they haven’t been home for a couple days.  I just start asking people if they got a phone and it takes a while before someone lets me in to use their phone.  As I walk into their home my heart jumps into my chest again.  What if they are really bad people?!  That peace fills me again and I wonder if it is God.  I call my dad as fast as I can because I know he will help and I am right.  He is on his way.

I run all the way back to where my sister is and go inside and scoop her up.  She is still crying and must have been so scared but seeing me seems to make it all better.  I hold her tight and realize how bad she smells, nausea washes over me.  I must have not noticed before because we were together in this small home for so long, or maybe I just blocked it out but the smell is putrid.  I notice now though and it makes me want to be sick.

This is not the first time I have been abandoned, we have been abandoned.  It has happened before, many times.  My mom works a lot and likes to party a lot too so sometimes she leaves us with different people.  Some people are ok, others are scary.  This time the people just disappeared.  Maybe they were with mom.  I wish she would come back.

I sit down with my sister and just wait for my dad.  Peace…   I can tell God is with me, comforting me.   God loves me even when those that are supposed to love me forget.  Because of Him, I can cuddle up with my sister and love her and forget the reasons I was afraid.  Once I was abandoned, but now… I am now saved.  Peace…

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This story is based on a true story that was told through the eyes of a frightened little boy that grew up too fast. This kind of thing happens all to often.  I hope this inspires you to see and do two things.  First, see the pain in children’s eyes… it’s there.  Help them. Don’t ignore it.  Second, if that kind of pain lingers in your heart from long ago like it does mine, remember, there is one who will never abandon you and He will always love you.  Let Him love you the way you should have been.

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Come Out of the Shadows

I was having my devotional time yesterday and felt a deep sadness for things I felt I lost in my past because of things either done to me or things I saw around me.  As I mourned some things the Lord put this in my heart and I put it to pen and now it is here.  I share it with you because I know there are others out there with the same struggles and I believe this was meant for you too.  God bless each of you!

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My girl, you are who you are because I created you to be that way.  And my precious daughter, you are good.  I love how I created you and never want you to change.  Every little quirk, every passion, every tear that falls for the broken, I put them there.  I love all those parts and pieces about you.  Oh how I love you!

Your pain and suffering is from the past and happened because your parents and others made bad choices, and you have had to deal with the fallout of their choices.  It was not my desire that you went through what you did, those were not the choices I would have made for you. But I can make all things work for My Glory and you can see such beautiful fruit as a result of My work in you.  The fallout you feel is not yours to deal with.  It is mine, give it to me.  I can turn water into wine.

How?

Come out of the shadows child and share it with your sister’s in Christ, with as many as will listen who know my name and are safe.  When you share the pain you feel with others it empties some of the  disease that fills you and allows me space to clean up the mess.  It allows me space to fill you up with my powerful Spirit and give you new life, a life you could have never imagined.  It will bring others into healing as well.  Your pain will bring life to many around you.

Remember… You are mine… I created you… I love you more than any other person will ever have the capacity to… the enemy of your soul tried to destroy you… I would not let him… I AM your God!  Come out of the shadows loved one and be… filled up… made new… fully restored… fully mine.

Motherhood…

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I was looking for motherhood.  I had been longing for it for years.  I wanted nothing more than to be a mom to some little girl or boy and I wanted to have this amazing family.  My husband and I had been doing all the things you do to try to get pregnant.  Seeing specialists, taking tests, having procedures done and taking lots of hormones.

It seemed to be a lost cause.  I had been taking hormones for more than 2 years and we were getting into dangerous territory.  Any more time on the medication could lead to complications for me and possibly cancer down the road.  We didn’t want to take that chance.  If God’s answer was no, then it was no and we didn’t want to risk my life trying to do what God didn’t want us to.

Well after failed IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and all the above mentioned trials we decided that this final month (March 2004) would be the last month we use hormones and if it didn’t work we would move forward with a life without kids or we would look into adoption.

I remember clearly that my heart was downcast and sad at the prospect of never having my own child and sad that I wouldn’t be giving my man a child of his own.  I was getting ready to call in my final prescription when I decided to take one more pregnancy test.  I knew Mark would be frustrated with me for taking one for no reason but I couldn’t help myself.  Why order new medication if I was pregnant right?  It was expensive stuff!

After taking the test all I could say was that I was in a state of shock.  I sat dumbfounded looking at the stick and remember clearly whispering these words, “There’s a line, there’s never been a line…”  I slowly walked out to the other room to show my man and his words were exactly the same.  Both of us in disbelief.  We had just had this serious conversation about not trying anymore and now there is this line.

Considering we were in such a state of shock and that the test couldn’t possibly be right, I took another test from another box and found the results to be the same.  I was amazed, excited and worried all at the same time.  What if the tests were wrong??? The only thing to do was buy another test and take another one.  Saturday night after church we went and bought another test from a different store and took it home.  And just like a big smile from God it showed the same results.

True serendipity through and through.  We longed for this little life, but after many years and trials had lost all belief, all hope it would happen, and had absolutely no expectation what-so-ever that God would honor us with such a gift.  God is so good.  He waits until it will mean the most and then gives the best presents we could ever want.  Our Muppin is such a perfect fit to our little family too.  We are truly The Three Amigos!

Don’t forget that when you least expect it, God will deliver to you a serendipitous moment you will never forget.

charis a

This was written from a prompt from Free Write Friday.  The topic was decided by the photo at the top of the page, Serendipity!  To join the writing prompt click the button below and it will take you to Free Write Friday’s page.

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Dark Halls

Credit: Richard Baxter

I am so lost.  Weeping inside the dark is all I have anymore.  So much has come and gone and all that is left is the rubble in my heart, the shattered pictures of my past cloud and overtake the halls of my mind.  Nothing is the same anymore.

I have looked for the light that burst through the darkness.  The light that holds together the days and pushes away the long devastating nights of hell.  I have looked inside my soul for a piece of something that used to be there, something that was good but have long since seen.

How many more times do I have to see the devastation of the past come forward and ruin what I have worked so hard to build?  Those moments in time that shatter a person are so strong that they echo forever on into the wild future, a future uncertain and as dark as the past.

How do I wake up?  How do I move out of its clutches and into the light?  How do I become what I was destined to be instead of this torn apart and molded piece of broken flesh and bone with nothing left to offer?

I am so lost.  The shattered halls of my life have nothing left for me; they are ruins, dark, ugly and dangerous.  They are death.

Beautiful

It is whispered into my ear soft and subtle, almost unheard.

Precious

What is this I keep hearing?  It is a foreign voice one not heard in ages.  One that was once trusted but now is barely remembered.

My Treasure

I am truly broken, I know that voice and have been avoiding it for so long I forgot how deeply affecting it can be.  The light… My heart is overwhelmed with the love that flows through those words.  How do I reconcile what He is saying and what I know about me, my life; my shattered, tattered life?

You are mine and I love you.  I knew you before you were born, I created you; knit you together and breathed life into you. I love everything about you.  I want your broken pieces.  I want your weeping heart, your shattered tears.  I want you.  I have given you a new home, one built on the Rock, one built to last, one more beautiful than anything you lost.  Come… Let me wipe away your tears and pick up the pieces. 

It all melts away, all that I have been seeing, hearing and feeling for so many years; the darkness.  The peace is overwhelming.  It is intoxicating.  Do I follow?  Oh I want to so much so I feel it overwhelming my soul.  What about the dark halls?  They are so familiar?  He beckons me…

Come…

The above was written for Free Write Friday from the image prompt  above using what is called stream of consciousness writing, no editing, no proofing just writing!

Post your submission with a comment and link to your blog on Kellie’s blog, post on twitter with the hashtag #FWF, Facebook and join the fun!

 

Freedom

Freedom

Definition:   Independence, license to do what one wants.

Is that really freedom?  License to do what one wants?  I don’t know.

I know I can do whatever I want, but sometimes doing what I want makes me miserable.  Lets take eating, if I overeat, I get a stomach ache, I get overweight, unhealthy… but boy did I want to have that extra piece of garlic bread!  I had freedom, but what it got me was a stomach ache and potentially becoming a slave to my stomach.

Slave… interesting word.  Can one persons freedom enslave someone else?  Lets look at child abuse.  My daughter has the freedom to live a life where she is loved, protected and nurtured.  And she does.  She has rights to her own body and no one better cross that line and take away her right to freedom from abuse.  Many are not so lucky though.  They live a life of abuse that no one seems to care about, or one that no one even knows about.

One could even say that the person abusing that child has the “freedom” to do so.  Everyone’s idea of abuse is different.  While mine may be this… “Anyone who violates a child’s body, mind or spirit with either physical, mental, spiritual or sexual abuse has violated that child’s freedom to live a life of safety and freedom from abuse.”  But I have heard it clearly said by many who in my opinion are just pure evil that children should be called lucky to have someone touch them in the way that they do.  Abuse, like all things is in the eye of the beholder.  And some eyes are much more evil than others.

When I think about FREEDOM it also makes me think about things I have lived through and about how I used to beg God to free me from those things.  I used to pray at night for God to stop my dad from drinking… from doing drugs… from raging with violence… from pointing guns and shouting and screaming.  I used to think all those prayers went unheard.  I mean, where was God, why didn’t HE save me?

But when one looks in the Word of God they see that clearly we have all been given the freedom of choice… I am allowed to live differently than my family before me… or the same.  Sadly many make the same choice their families have made for generations.  For me, I choose differently… I choose God’s way.

Where was God when I was filled with fear daily?  Why didn’t he stop my dad?  My dad was stopped.  He could have killed me on many occasions but just like Job, God allowed me to be put through fire for a purpose but the enemy was not allowed to take my life.  My dad was given the choice to be what his flesh wanted or to be what God wanted.  He chose his flesh… I was the receiver of that choice, but I was also protected!  My dad finally stopped drinking in the years before his death and our relationship was good, because God is good.  There was restoration.

Where was God when I was filled with fear?  Holding me tight, pulling me close, whispering in my ear that He has me… He is holding me… He is protecting me… He wont let go.  For me, God is my freedom.  Nothing else matters or even comes close.  There will be more bad things that happen in my life, it is guaranteed.  But God is my freedom to live through it no matter what happens, knowing that He will not let a hair on my head be touched unless it is for the best.  Living through what God let me live through has given me a perspective not many have and it has given me a love for hurting not many have.  That is a blessing.

There are many out there suffering by the hands of others, child abuse is an epidemic, and slavery is growing in such leaps and bounds that it cannot be controlled in even the most humane areas like the U.S.  I pray each day that His freedom reaches those suffering, and for those causing the pain, I pray also for Gods salvation and if not that, then His wrath because only He knows our hearts deep down inside.

Please take the time to get involved in others lives, notice who is hurting, purpose to help them.  That is true Freedom.

This was written from a prompt from Free Write Friday.  The topic was “What does freedom mean to you?”  To join the writing prompt click the button below and it will take you to Free Write Friday’s page.

Also click the link or button and read all about this weeks topic, Human Trafficking.   Open your eyes.. Please help.

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I wish I could just disappear!

bird in rain bird in storm“Why?  Why did I have to do this?  I always do what I want instead of what I should and I always get myself into trouble.  You would think I would learn!  I am so cold.

“So silly of me.  How could I have thought I could do it.  I am just a bit of a bird.  Not even a real bird, not like the Great Ones you see flying about.   Ha.. they could handle it I am sure, and probably without even a wince or a bobble.

“When will I learn? My heart aches because I know what I want and where I want to go but I know also I cannot get there.  What must the others think?  I am sure they can see me and they are all twittering amongst themselves about silly Bepa!  Oh the things they must be saying.  Now my heart is more a flutter!  I wish I could just disappear.  I feel dizzy.. oh dear.

“They must know I know it!  They have to!  How could they not?  I mean really, anyone who sees would know right?  I am a coward through and through.  Oh how dreadful I am, how horribly, awfully dreadful.  Ohh ho ho hoooo….  NO!  I mustn’t.  No crying, not for me not for them… never.

“All I need is a moment for the wind to let up then maybe… Or the air to warm then maybe… or my wings to… oh lets face it, I am lost.  What am I doing out here?!  I am not one of the Great Ones!  What am I even here for, there is no use for me I am not at all important.  I have nothing to offer.  I want to go home yet I can’t!  What a grave situation I have gotten myself into.  I will surely die.”

“Shhhhhhh…”

“Who is that?  I don’t see you!  Oh no, I am going mad!  What else could go wrong!

“Shhhhhhhhh Bepa.  Quiet your heart.  You are exactly as I have made you and you are beautiful.  You have a purpose Bepa, one that only you can fulfill and not one of the Great Ones can do what you can do so be still now, lean into Me.  Give me your fears my love.

You must remember that you are never alone Bepa I am always with you and you will not perish because I have your every moment in my hand.”

“Abba, is that really you?  I am so frightened.”

“Yes Bepa it is me.  I have been here the whole time but you would not hear me.  I will never leave you.  Now turn slowly, lift your head and jump into the wind.  I want to take you somewhere only you may go.  Trust your Abba.”

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This was written from an image prompt from Free Write Friday.  The image is the bird above.  To join the writing prompt click the button below and it will take you to Free Write Friday’s page.

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