I have been away for a while. August was a crazy month for our family and September is the start of school for us. So needless to say I have been busy with family and more recently very busy with getting our Muppin started with school.
As I woke this morning and looked at the date on my phone sadness fell over me. This day is one filled with so few memories and those that I have are not happy ones. September 11 was my dad’s birthday and in 2001 I woke that morning feeling great grief over the loss of him earlier that year. It was his first birthday that he would not be with us to hug on and to love. We had lost him to cancer and those memories of his last days still deeply haunted me.
On September 11, 2001 the house was quiet, I was alone with my grief and I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. Finally I pulled myself up out of the safety of my bed and went to the living room and turned on the television. Maybe I could cover my thoughts up with mindless TV. It was early so I crawled onto the sofa and began looking for the news, when I found it, I was forever changed. The news was showing a picture of the first World Trade Tower with smoke billowing out of it. At first I was confused. I remember thinking, “this is a terrible show I want the news.” I quickly realized that it was not a movie and sadly it was very real.
As I watched the unfolding events in horror, I witnessed the second plane fly into the second tower live. Alone in my living room I gasped and screamed “NO!” and the tears began to flow. I could not believe that what I was seeing was really truly happening. It couldn’t be, this had to be some sick joke like Orson Welles’ “War of the Worlds” radio broadcast in 1938. This had to be mass hysteria all over again. But it wasn’t, this was truly happening, it was sadly real.
So for the next several hours I watched as things unfolded and untold numbers of people died. The tragedy was heart breaking and nothing was going to make it better. Nothing would fix this. Moms, dads, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, friends and heroes would die and no one would bring them back. September 11th was nothing but pain for me due to the memories of my dad who was lost to that horrible thing called cancer and now… sadly… the American people would share in my grief but for a very different horrifying reason.
Today I still cry on this day for my lost time with my dad, but I also cry for all the lives lost and changed by the World Trade Center attacks. My life was forever changed by the attacks. My heart is especially saddened for all the children lost and those children who will never get to see their parents again. No child should have to lose their parents but especially not this way.
Our country has been forever changed by this day and I pray that more people have been changed for the good than bad. I end in a prayer that the Lord would bless all the survivors, the families and friends of those lost and all the people who worked tirelessly and selflessly during and after the attacks. I would also pray that those still here today will look at what happened and know that there is one they could turn to for the peace they could never have alone. Our Lord Jesus. I pray the Lord blesses you and keeps you all safe, God bless each of you.
I was having my devotional time yesterday and felt a deep sadness for things I felt I lost in my past because of things either done to me or things I saw around me. As I mourned some things the Lord put this in my heart and I put it to pen and now it is here. I share it with you because I know there are others out there with the same struggles and I believe this was meant for you too. God bless each of you!
My girl, you are who you are because I created you to be that way. And my precious daughter, you are good. I love how I created you and never want you to change. Every little quirk, every passion, every tear that falls for the broken, I put them there. I love all those parts and pieces about you. Oh how I love you!
Your pain and suffering is from the past and happened because your parents and others made bad choices, and you have had to deal with the fallout of their choices. It was not my desire that you went through what you did, those were not the choices I would have made for you. But I can make all things work for My Glory and you can see such beautiful fruit as a result of My work in you. The fallout you feel is not yours to deal with. It is mine, give it to me. I can turn water into wine.
Come out of the shadows child and share it with your sister’s in Christ, with as many as will listen who know my name and are safe. When you share the pain you feel with others it empties some of the disease that fills you and allows me space to clean up the mess. It allows me space to fill you up with my powerful Spirit and give you new life, a life you could have never imagined. It will bring others into healing as well. Your pain will bring life to many around you.
Remember… You are mine… I created you… I love you more than any other person will ever have the capacity to… the enemy of your soul tried to destroy you… I would not let him… I AM your God! Come out of the shadows loved one and be… filled up… made new… fully restored… fully mine.
I am so lost. Weeping inside the dark is all I have anymore. So much has come and gone and all that is left is the rubble in my heart, the shattered pictures of my past cloud and overtake the halls of my mind. Nothing is the same anymore.
I have looked for the light that burst through the darkness. The light that holds together the days and pushes away the long devastating nights of hell. I have looked inside my soul for a piece of something that used to be there, something that was good but have long since seen.
How many more times do I have to see the devastation of the past come forward and ruin what I have worked so hard to build? Those moments in time that shatter a person are so strong that they echo forever on into the wild future, a future uncertain and as dark as the past.
How do I wake up? How do I move out of its clutches and into the light? How do I become what I was destined to be instead of this torn apart and molded piece of broken flesh and bone with nothing left to offer?
I am so lost. The shattered halls of my life have nothing left for me; they are ruins, dark, ugly and dangerous. They are death.
It is whispered into my ear soft and subtle, almost unheard.
What is this I keep hearing? It is a foreign voice one not heard in ages. One that was once trusted but now is barely remembered.
I am truly broken, I know that voice and have been avoiding it for so long I forgot how deeply affecting it can be. The light… My heart is overwhelmed with the love that flows through those words. How do I reconcile what He is saying and what I know about me, my life; my shattered, tattered life?
You are mine and I love you. I knew you before you were born, I created you; knit you together and breathed life into you. I love everything about you. I want your broken pieces. I want your weeping heart, your shattered tears. I want you. I have given you a new home, one built on the Rock, one built to last, one more beautiful than anything you lost. Come… Let me wipe away your tears and pick up the pieces.
It all melts away, all that I have been seeing, hearing and feeling for so many years; the darkness. The peace is overwhelming. It is intoxicating. Do I follow? Oh I want to so much so I feel it overwhelming my soul. What about the dark halls? They are so familiar? He beckons me…
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